Tag Archives: #Romance

A Psychiatrist’s Letter to Young People about Fifty Shades of Grey

Article taken from Miriam Grossman MD

February 11, 2015

There’s nothing gray about Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s all black.

Let me explain.

I help people who are broken inside. Unlike doctors who use x-rays or blood tests to determine why someone’s in pain, the wounds that interest me are hidden. I ask questions, and listen carefully to the answers. That’s how I discover why the person in front of me is “bleeding”.

Years of careful listening have taught me a lot. One thing I’ve learned is that young people are utterly confused about love – finding it and keeping it. They make poor choices, and end up in lots of pain.

I don’t want you to suffer like the people I see in my office, so I’m warning you about a new movie called Fifty Shades of Grey. Even if you don’t see the film, its toxic message is seeping into our culture, and could plant dangerous ideas in your head.

Fifty Shades of Grey is being released for Valentine’s Day, so you’ll think it’s a romance, but don’t fall for it. The movie is actually about a sick, dangerous relationship filled with physical and emotional abuse. It seems glamorous, because the actors are gorgeous, have expensive cars and planes, and Beyonce is singing. You might conclude that Christian and Ana are cool, and that their relationship is acceptable.

Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated! The people behind the movie just want your money; they have no concern whatsoever about you and your dreams.

Abuse is not glamorous or cool.  It is never OK, under any circumstances.

This is what you need to know about Fifty Shades of Grey: as a child, Christian Grey was terribly neglected. He is confused about love because he never experienced the real thing. In his mind, love is tangled up with bad feelings like pain and embarrassment.  Christian enjoys hurting women in bizarre ways. Anastasia is an immature girl who falls for Christian’s looks and wealth, and foolishly goes along with his desires.

In the real world, this story would end badly, with Christian in jail, and Ana in a shelter – or morgue. Or Christian would continue beating Ana, and she’d stay and suffer. Either way, their lives would most definitely not be a fairy tale. Trust me on this one.

As a doctor, I’m urging you: DON’T see Fifty Shades of Grey. Get informed, learn the facts, and explain to your friends why they shouldn’t see it either.

Here are a few of the dangerous ideas promoted by Fifty Shades of Grey:

1. Girls want guys like Christian who order them around and get rough.

No! A psychologically healthy woman avoids pain. She wants to feel safe, respected and cared for by a man she can trust. She dreams about wedding gowns, not handcuffs.

2. Guys want a girl like Anastasia who is meek and insecure.

Wrong. A psychologically healthy man wants a woman who can stand up for herself.  If he is out of line, he wants her to set him straight.

3. Anastasia exercises free choice when she consents to being hurt, so no one can judge her decision.

Flawed logic. Sure, Anastasia had free choice – and she chose poorly. A self-destructive decision is a bad decision.

4. Anastasia makes choices about Christian in a thoughtful and detached manner.

Doubtful. Christian constantly supplies Anastasia with alcohol, impairing her judgment.  Also, Anastasia becomes sexually active with Christian – her first experience ever – soon after meeting him. Neuroscience suggests their intimacy could jump start her feelings of attachment and trust, before she’s certain he deserved them.  Sex is a powerful experience – particularly the first time.
Finally, Christian manipulates Anastasia into signing an agreement prohibiting her from telling anyone that he is a long time abuser.

Alcohol, sex, manipulation – hardly the ingredients of a thoughtful, detached decision.

5.   Christian’s emotional problems are cured by Anastasia’s love.

Only in a movie. In the real world, Christian wouldn’t change to any significant degree. If Anastasia was fulfilled by helping emotionally disturbed people, she should have become a psychiatrist or social worker.

6. It’s good to experiment with sexuality.

Maybe for adults in a healthy, long term, committed, monogomous relationship, AKA “marriage”.  Otherwise, you’re at high risk for STDs, pregnancy, and sexual assault. It’s wise to be very careful who you allow to get close to you, physically and emotionally, because just one encounter can throw you off track and change your life forever.

The bottom line: the ideas of Fifty Shades of Grey  are dangerous, and can lead to confusion and poor decisions about love. There are vast differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships, but the movie blurs those differences, so you begin to wonder: what’s healthy in a relationship? What’s sick? There are so many shades of grey…I’m not sure.

Listen, it’s your safety and future we’re talking about here. There’s no room for doubt: an intimate relationship that includes violence, consensual or not, is completely unacceptable.

This is black and white. There are no shades of grey here. Not even one.

drgrossman-aboutMiriam Grossman, MD is a medical doctor with training in pediatrics and in the specialty of child, adolescent, and adult psychiatry. She is also the author of Unprotected and You’re Teaching My Child WHAT?




Romance Tips for the Ladies!

Red-Hot Romance Tips – from the Bible!


 THERE’S A STORY of a married man who, after hanging out with friends, arrived home late. He was hoping for a little “red-hot romance,” but found his wife snoring away. So he went and got a bottle of aspirin, and dropped two into her mouth. She promptly woke up.

“What are you doing?” she said. 
“I thought you needed a couple of aspirin,” he responded. 
“No! I don’t have a headache!” 
“That’s all I wanted to hear,” he sweetly replied.

This story is amusing, but it accurately describes the sex-life of many marriages. After a long day, wives are exhausted. Most of us want to sleep, rather than have sex. And having a “headache” is the easiest way to say, “Not tonight!” But while reading a magazine, I came across an interesting article. It said sex opens up blood vessels, which lessens migraine pain. In addition, it promotes better sleep, reduces stress, boosts the immune system, and strengthens the emotional connection between spouses. If that’s not enough motivation to improve the quantity (and quality) of sex in your marriage, the Bible emphasizes its importance. And it says some pretty steamy stuff! Here are a few tips from King Solomon’s wife, the Shulammite woman, on treating your “headache” and heating up your marital romance.

 redhotromancetipsfromthebible article

Tip 1: Take it Outside

In Song of Solomon 7:12, King Solomon’s wife said:
Let’s go out to the vineyards early. Let’s go and see if the vines have budded. Let’s find out whether their flowers have opened. Let’s see if the pomegranate trees are blooming. I’ll make love to you in the vineyards” (New International Reader’s Version).

This red-hot wife of the Bible was inviting her husband to have sex outside! As a modern-day woman, you might not frolic in the vineyards, but (when people are far away) you can have a rendezvous with your husband on a bed of leaves (in your backyard) or private sandy beach.

Tip 2: Send Him a Message

In Song of Solomon 8:14, King Solomon’s wife said:
You are so handsome, my lover! Yes, and so charming! Our bed is so fresh and pleasant” (Easy-to-Read Version).

Repeatedly, the Bible teaches the importance of words. This lesson extends to the marital relationship. It’s hard (and nearly impossible) to be intimate with someone who says hurtful, insulting, and nagging things. Therefore, set the romantic atmosphere with sincere compliments that build your man up. King Solomon’s wife did it, and she did it well.

Tip 3: Build His Confidence

In Song of Solomon 1:16, King Solomon’s wife said:
“You are so handsome, my lover! Yes, and so charming! Our bed is so fresh and pleasant” (Easy-to-Read Version).

Repeatedly, the Bible teaches the importance of words. This lesson extends to the marital relationship. It’s hard (and nearly impossible) to be intimate with someone who says hurtful, insulting, and nagging things. Therefore, set the romantic atmosphere with sincere compliments that build your man up. King Solomon’s wife did it, and she did it well.

Tip 4: Tell Him What You Want

In Song of Solomon 2:6, King Solomon’s wife said:
“Put your left hand under my head, and embrace me with your right arm” (Contemporary English Version).

It’s no secret that many married women are sexually unsatisfied. They view marital intimacy as a chore, rather than a joy. However, King Solomon’s wife told her husband exactly what she wanted. She wasn’t afraid to tell him where and how to touch her. She was bold and confident in her sexuality. So tell your husband what you like, and how he should do it. Your husband desires to satisfy you, and you deserve to be sexually fulfilled in your marriage.

Tip 5: Try Something New

In Song of Solomon 7:13, King Solomon’s wife said:
“I have saved many pleasant things for you, my lover, pleasant things, new and old” (Easy-to-Read Version).

King Solomon’s wife made her marital bed exciting. She kept old things that were “pleasant,” but added new things to keep it pleasantly exciting! Don’t be boring. Explore different (and mutually agreed upon) ways to make love to your husband. God devoted an entire (red-hot) book in the Bible to marital sex. It’s important, it should be satisfying, and you can explore new ways to keep it fun. c